Saturday, July 19, 2008

WtFF: 100 Calorie Snacks

Dear manufacturers of "diet" junk food,

Kindly burn in hell.

Seriously. I would ask if you've seen this shit, but I know you have. On the TV, in the supermarket, knocking on your door at 6 am on Saturday morning, there they are:

I don't know about you, but I take offense to a product whose marketing pitch consists of, "Hey! Do you like Oreos? Has a high-fat, calorie laden, and sedentary lifestyle put too much jiggle in your jello? Are you willing to fork over $5 for 3.5 packs of vaguely chocolate flavored crackers? Then have I got a snack for you!"

Now, don't get me wrong; I'm a woman who loves her cookies, cakes, and wine. My soft, sweets-lovin' tummy will attest to this fact. But let's face facts here, ladies and gents, there is no way that junk food is ever going to be healthy. Sure, you can dry out your mouth out with an ounce of these crappy "cookies" that resemble Oreos in name only, but I doubt it's really going to satiate a craving for the real thing. If you want to have a svelte physique (or just really love that heroin chic look of Lux Interior) then you're going to have to forgo snacks. Period. Does anyone out there actually think that the plague of obesity in the USA is because up until this point we haven't had access to cardboard snacks dusted with coco powder and Spenda?

Do you want something healthy and low in calories to munch that's not going to give you cancer in 5 years? Eat some damn celery sticks! I know you have to cut them up yourself, and they're not glamorous or brand name, but I guarantee they won't give you the overload-of-artificial-sweetener-squirts. (The too-much-bran-shits, I make no promises about, however.)

Somewhere in the back your your mind, you know that fruits and vegetables are really the only snacks that won't give you a waistline that doesn't involve using a boomerang to put on your belt.

Thank you the 80s, for your drug-fueled PSAs. (Even if they were drawn by babies in a third world country for a grand total of $1.23.)

I'm not saying you have to give up your treats, god knows I'm not about to, but if you want to eat something that doesn't have the same chemical makeup of the box that housed it, then you'll have to learn to love your chub. These "healthy" snacks aren't going to do jack or shit except deplete your bank account. I don't know about you, but I don't need Nestle to do that for me; the price of gas does that all by itself.

A quick note to my one and only reader: sorry this one is so short, Pieter. d-:

Posted: 18 July @ 11:46 PM
Edited so that it made sense (finally): 19 July @ 2 PM

1 comment:

Pieter said...

I feel so personally approached now XD (and so obliged to comment again :-p)

Btw, now matter how much I worship my carrots and apples for snacks, nothing beats good old chocolate. Belgian of course. *drools*