Friday, July 11, 2008

WTF? It's the first what the fuck Friday!

In case you couldn't figure it out by the f-bomb being a part of the title of this little weekly excursion into my increasing insanity levels, the subject matter of What the Fuck Fridays is going to be decidedly adult. Don't get your hopes up, pervs, I'm not going to be showing hardcore pornography. (I'll give you a moment to mourn over that fact.)

What I am going to be discussing are items that are decidedly adult in nature like comics, the sex industry, advertising, television, politics, movies, mainstream media, human rights, and Oprah.

Speaking of the big O (again, stop getting your hopes up pervs), let's get right to it: OPRAH.

Few names can make booksellers start sweating and mid-western moms start wetting themselves with glee like Oprah Winfey. Before I get started, I hate that I have to do this, but let me get it out of the way. I don't hate black women. The Cult of O is so all-encompassing, and the power of the hypnobeams broadcast during her hour long brainwashing session so strong, that you can't voice any criticism of Oprah, no matter how mild ("you know, I don't like her hair") without being accused of either being a sexist or a racist or both.

Oprah Winfrey could go on air tomorrow dressed like a homosexual Nazi, and the next morning millions of Americans across the nation would be donning swastikas and discussing how much they enjoy same-sex sex and how much they dislike the Jewish people. Such is her power.

Yeah, I know she's a philanthropist and has done a lot of good with her money over the years. And, truth be told, I was in the Oprah's Awesome Club for a while, because it was nice to see a woman wield that much power in the American media, and a black one at that.

Unfortunately, it soon became clear that like a talk show Vlad the Impaler, she's become twisted and insane with power. Simply put, Oprah does not live on the same planet as the rest of us. How do I know this? Is her her extended exercise in ego masturbation that she calls "O Magazine?" (Even the name sounds dirty.) Perhaps it was when she opened her dominatrix school for young girls in Africa that I began to suspect she had a god complex. Or maybe it's her fanatic following of the "good vibes" philosophy of "The Secret" that made me arch an eyebrow her way. No, the thing that did me in is the fact that she's a grown woman who can't say the word vagina.

How would you describe a 54 year old woman who calls her reproductive organ a "va-jay-jay?" Brutally insane? Yeah, me too. And no, I don't care that they said it on "Grey's Anatomy" first. It doesn't change the fact that she's over half a century old and still feels the need to have a cute pet name for her crotch.

Plus, Oprah is pure evil. Don't believe me? See for yourself.

Well guys, that's the rant for this Friday. I promise future episodes will be more amusing, and full of shit that is going to make your brain leak out of your ears. Seriously. What is it about me that causes my friends to email me horrifying things? On that topic, if you have any suggestions for a future WtFF, email them to me at LadyA(at) God knows I'll stop being funny before too long.

Oh, and as a sidebar to the infamous va-jay-jay episode of the Oprah Winfrey Show: "Dear Oprah, I do not need you to teach me how to wipe my ass. I learned that lesson at 2. Kai? Thanks. Hugs and Kisses, Nix"

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