Friday, July 25, 2008

WtFF: Parents, Just Say No (to Kids)

As Garfield (the president, not the cat) would say, "I don't DO mornings." Not at all. So, when it looked like this morning was shaping up to be a big bowl of Frosted Bullshit Flakes, I knew there was only one thing that could make it bearable: Dunkin Donuts, where $2 buys me a large caffeinated cup of extra-light, no sugar happiness. (Screw you and your $8 coffee, Starbucks.) However, feeding the monkey on my back made me witness to one of the most vile and subtle forms of child abuse that I have ever had the misfortune of viewing.

Some yuppie, leather handbag of a woman, bought her eight year old son an iced carmel late.

What. The. Fuck?

I know that parents hate it when bitter, childless bitches like myself question their parenting skills, but for the sake of all those with even an ounce of common sense, I must ask. Why? Why in the name of all that's holy and good would you voluntarily give your child a beverage loaded down with sugar and caffeine? Why would that even seem like a remotely good idea? God almighty, can you imagine what her precious little Tyler was like later on in the day?

Thankfully, I wasn't there to experience the carnage firsthand, but I've watched enough hours of Animal Planet to know how the afternoon went.

9 AM: Tyler squeals like the Pig Guard in Jedi until his mom buys him an iced caramel latte.

10 AM: Hopped up like a schizophrenic monkey on crack getting signals from the Pentagon, Tyler urinates in his mom's sock drawer.

11 AM: Interpretive dance.

12 PM: Tyler starts to crash from his sugar high. He attempts to keep "the good times rolling" by smearing pictographs on the living room wall with his own fecal mater.

1 PM: The sugar has worn off entirely, but the caffeine still has Tyler buzzing enough to alphabetize his dad's porn collection.

2 PM: As the remainder of the stimulants leach out of his system Tyler starts to go into withdrawal. By 2:30 he has plucked out his eyebrows and accused the nanny of being a Nazi spy. Twice.

3 PM: Tyler's parents disown him.

1 comment:

Pieter said...

You just reminded me of all the reasons why I love you.