Saturday, September 6, 2008

WtFF: Horror Rides on Three Wheels

I'm not sure how I didn't notice it sooner, probably because I'm a non-sociable, misanthropic fuck of a woman, but when the hell did people start getting so eye-wateringly stupid?

Do y'all know where the band Devo got their name? Devo is short for "de-evolution," a theory held by the band members that as technology evolved, humanity de-evolved. In other words, as our laptops got smarter, we got dumber.

It was a theory that I always found funny, but in which I never put much stock. Yeah, we may be animals, and I truly believe that most of us at our deepest core are barely civilized beasts, but homo superior are hardly an advanced MP-3 player away from squatting in caves and chucking our shit at trespassers. Aren't we?

I'll pause to let you chuckle ironically.

Most of the time, when I run afoul an individual who was obviously scrapped from the bottom of the scum choked end of the gene pool, I think to myself, "Self, don't jab your Sharpie in this cretin's eyes until he cries out to whatever half-baked, sports-swaddled chthonian he calls God. Take a deep breath and remember you surpassed his vocabulary before you were out of diapers." And with a curse and a stiff drink, I dismiss that person from my thoughts. Sure, if the behavior of the people with driver's licenses in my homestate are any indication, he, and folks like him, are in the majority. But, it hardly proves that humanity is hurdling towards a future that looks more like Planet of the Apes than "Star Trek." So, you may be asking yourself, on what grounds do I make the claim that society is on a backward slide? Here it is:

Not the Big Wheel in and of itself. It was one Big Wheel in particular that destroyed my faith in humanity.

On evening, while walking the streets of a trailer park after midnight, I spotted one of these trikes abandoned and awaiting early morning trash collection. Being the responsible adult that I so obviously am, I decided that the only logical thing to do with this perfectly functional bit of childhood frivolity was to ride the hell out of it. (And no, I was not drunk at the time.)

As I crammed my decidedly adult ass into the painfully non-adult seat, I learned the horrible truth about why this sad, faded Big Wheel had been left on the side of the road for the garbage men rather than passed down to a sibling or donated to Good Will. It reeked--REEKED--of BO! What kind of fucking mutant freak of a toddler produces sweat pungent enough that it bonded with plastic on a molecular level?

When I couple the knowledge that those of us who are thoughtful, considerate, intelligent and compassionate creatures are increasingly outnumbered by simians with cell phones with the fact that some abominable anomaly of modern genetics has created a child that smells like an over-weight, middle aged trucker on a personal hygiene strike, I can come up with only one possible theory. We are de-evolving back into skunk apes.

Devo were right.

God, I love the Jocko Homo dance.

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